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toast

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I eat toast.
When I'm happy, I eat toast.
When I'm sad, I eat toast.
I eat toast for breakfast.
I eat toast for lunch.
I eat toast for dinner. 

Toast is part of my everyday life.
I can't remember the last time
where I didn't have a day without toast.
I eat toast when I'm angry.
I eat toast when I'm depressed.
I eat toast at random times.
I eat toast almost all the time.

I eat toast even when I don't want to.
I eat toast when I wake up.
I eat toast before sleeping.
When my head becomes empty, I eat toast.
When I'm thinking a lot, I eat toast.
Toast plagues my mind almost every day.
When I'm self-loathing, I eat toast.
When I recall bad memories, I eat toast.
When I see my reflection, I eat toast.
When I see myself, I eat toast.
Sometimes I eat too much toast
and it all becomes overwhelming.
I lie in bed, looking up with a blank stare
waiting for the toast to disappear.
If it doesn't disappear, I'll go to sleep
knowing that the toast will still be there. 

I stop others from eating toast.
It's very hypocritical of me.
No one should have to eat toast
yet a lot of people still do.
I've helped other people eat toast less
but I can't even help myself.
I want to ask others to help stop me
from eating too much of the toast
but the words never come out.
How cowardly.
My dad once asked me if I eat toast.
I told him I did, hoping for anything.
Nothing much happened after.
He soon got me someone I can share
all of my toast-eating experiences with.
We've been talking a lot but not enough.
We might have gotten some things wrong.
I want to talk more about eating toast
but I barely say anything before
the words get locked up again.
The most I've talked to about toast
is my partner who accepted me
even if I eat too much toast.
I love her more than I love toast, surely. 

Sometimes I finish eating all the toast.
But there's always more toast.
The eternal toast train never ends.
I know of one way to stop eating toast
but it's not a pretty way.
It's tempting but I would be sad
because others will start eating toast too.
I don't expect to be forgiven
for all of the problems I've caused
because of the toast I keep eating.
I don't even expect that the toast will
go away soon.
The toast keeps me up at night already.
It's already 1:02 AM as I write this.
I can't fucking sleep.
I've been eating toast for the past
7 hours, and for the past month, perhaps. 

I wish I could just stop eating toast.
Just stop.
Stop.
That's all I ask.

I’m going back to sleep now.